Lovers Trust
Start of June 2005



Because he had been waiting for it, Seifer was awake and alert by just hearing Squall’s breathing change. To any untrained person, Squall would still seem asleep. But for Seifer, it was enough with that slightly, hardly noticeable shift in the brunet’s breathing.

Seifer had purposely placed himself in front of Squall. It made it harder for the brunet to slip away from him if Seifer hadn’t awakened. Seifer circled a finger at his lion’s back to let Squall know Seifer was awake. Unfortunately Squall didn’t seem to like the idea. Blue-gray eyes narrowed almost before they opened as Squall tried to twist out of his embrace. Seifer circled his arms around the struggling bundle and Squall made a protesting sound when he was pressed against Seifer. Thin hands shoved at his chest but with too little strength to actually want him gone.

“Seifer… let go,” Squall half ordered, half begged. Seifer just held harder. Hard enough for Squall to make his little puppy protesting noise at being used as a squeeze toy.

“No. I want to know what’s going on,” he murmured in brown hair. Squall twisted again, but only succeeded in twining them together more. Squall went still, but he was all rigid and his breathing had become shorter. Was it really so awful to lay there? Seifer gingerly stroked the brown hair, careful to watch out for signs of struggle. He was going to get some sort of an answer. He needed it.

“Why was you running from me Squall? You want us to end this?” He wondered, but he didn’t think it was that.

Squall didn’t say anything, just laid there and glared a hole in Seifer’s chest, hands clenched in Seifer’s shirt. Seifer started to stroke his hand along the taut back.

“Or was it because of something else? Something we did?”

Squall twisted again.

“Let go of me.” He growled lowly. Seifer again held the struggling brunet. When the struggling started to turn into a real row, he pushed a leg between Squall’s and gripped the firm buttocks. He pushed down the other gunblader and easily trapped him with his weight. Squall glared up with the coldness of Shiva, but Seifer could only smirk. He hissed when short, bud damn sharp, nails bit down in his sides. Seifer narrowly dodged the headbutt.

He growled when a desperate knee only succeeded in knocking his inner thigh, but the point was clear enough. Squall bucked under him and almost succeeded in throwing him off. Seifer gritted his teeth and caught one hand in his own. When he tried grabbing the other, Squall bit his hand - hard. Seifer made a growling shout and tried yanking back his hand. Squall didn’t let go, so he instinctively backhanded the other youth.

Squall fell down and lay still, dazed for more than half a minute. Seifer rose to his knees, straddled Squall, and stared at his hand. Blood trickled down around the marks of teeth. Seeing red and hearing his own blood pump in his ears, he yanked open his shirt and trousers before he almost tore the other youth’s pajama pants. The dazed teen got some coherence back and pushed weakly at Seifer. Seifer only growled something, roughly turned him around, and spread his legs.

Seifer slammed two fingers in the still sore rectum. Squall cried out and clutched his pillow, but didn’t fight back. Seifer changed to three fingers and Squall cried out again, his whole spine arching and his body becoming one taut spring. Seifer didn’t even try to hit his good spot, tired and furious at the head-case. When he rammed the bleeding hole with four fingers, Squall screamed in both pain and fear, sobs hiding in the uneven breath.

“You like that? Don’t you like the pain, Squall? Isn’t it what you want?” Seifer growled. Squall whimpered and started to twist and squirm away from him. He screamed short when Seifer would have none of it and pushed him down by a hard tug in the brown hair. He slammed his fingers a couple of times in the constricting, bloody hole.

“Seifer. Stop.” Squall tried very hard to sound determined and make it sound more like an order than the plea it was. The wavering in his voice, the shaking of his shoulders, the hitching in his breath. Everything screamed the opposite.

“Stop? Bitches like you just say that but don’t mean it. Isn’t it how you always do?” Seifer growled back and a genuine sob was his answer. Thin hands clutched even deeper in the pillows.

“It hurts.” The weak, sobbing plea was almost enough to drain Seifer of anger. Almost. He was tired of this. He gritted his teeth and started to push his palm into the resisting body.

“But it’s what gets you off. Wouldn’t you just love it if I shoved my whole hand up your ass? Or if I fucked you raw until you can’t even move?” Seifer hissed near the mop of brown hair. Squall shock his head and muttered no over and over again. When Seifer pressed his hand with his thumb in the opening it was like a dam broke.

Squall screamed like a scared animal and surged up in a violent wave of uncontrolled legs and arms. He kicked wildly and clawed at the bed and head post to get away. It was like having a wild animal under you. In self-protection Seifer caught Squall around his waist, whish only made an ear-piercing cry emit from the brunet. Seifer felt something resembling to shock. What was happening?

But he didn’t have time to think when Squall fought like a panicked animal to get free, sobs making him hyperventilate.

Seifer scoped him up in a tight hug when nothing seemed to ease the panicked brunet. He grabbed the thin wrists in one hand and stroked the other through Squall’s hair.

“Easy. It’s okay Squall. Easy down.” What else could he do? His own heart pounded like a hammer in his chest. He’d never seen Squall break like that. If it was the lack of oxygen or Seifer’s stroking and nonsense mumbling that got through to him, he didn’t know but Squall went still in his arms. He was taut and shaking like a leaf in the wind and the funniest of sounds came from him. Like he couldn’t really breath and didn’t know if he should breath through his mouth or nose.

Small whimpering noises came from him together with surges of shakings and uncontrolled muscle twitches. Like when you had a really bad nightmare and just couldn’t wake up. Hyne, he needed help! Seifer needed help. He didn’t know what to do. Had Squall just finally had a nervous breakdown or what?

He didn’t know what to do, so he just sat there, rocking the shaking form. Afraid that if he let go, Squall would run and Seifer would never be able to catch him. It felt like an eternity passed until the shivers and shakings slowly evaporated and Squall’s breathing became a little more controlled.

When Squall gripped Seifer’s shirt in two death grips and almost shoved his head under Seifer’s chin he could hardly move. Squall never did things like that. Never was one for hugs and shelter if it wasn’t in the throes of sex. Slowly and gently, Seifer circled his arms around the smaller teen in an embrace instead. When he stroked a hand down Squalls neck and back, the boy flinched.

“Don’t hurt me.” He almost missed that whispered plea. It stunned him, shocked him. Seifer gently leaned Squall away from him so he could look down into tear-swollen eyes. Blue-gray were bluer than he had ever seen them before. Squall’s eyes were so large that he looked very much like a child - especially with his red rimmed eyes, red nose, and wet cheeks. Squall clenched Seifer’s shirt even more and something desperate entered the open eyes.

“Please. I’ll love you, but don’t hurt me… I can’t… don’t hurt me,” he whimpered with fresh tears rolling down his chins.

Seifer cupped Squall’s face and something in his chest had started to ache so hard he wanted to cry himself.

“What’s happened to you, Squall?” He whispered, not able to voice the question louder. He’d only asked once and that was when he thought it was teasing. That nothing really had happened and that it was just Squall’s way of having an relationship but not having one. Squall’s bottom lip quivered and stress and something desperate, something akin to panic, surged in his eyes.

What if Squall didn’t understand what he meant? What if Squall thought that whatever had happened to him was something normal? The thought made the blood in Seifer’s veins freeze. He’d never seen it that way. He’d only assumed Squall had been mistreated by a first lover or maybe raped as a virgin and that was why he liked the pain, why he wanted the pain but that he still understood that pain wasn’t something ordinary or even desired in a loving relationship. Not this sort of pain where he wanted to bleed and be degenerated as a human being. And what was that about hurting him?

Squall looked away from his eyes and twitched his hands where he still held Seifer’s shirt. He’d started to rock slowly and his breathing had become harder. Seifer forced him to look up again and Squall whined.

“Please. I’ll be good,” he whimpered in barely a whisper. At that, Seifer gripped is jaw to steady him. Maybe he’d been asking the wrong things all the time? Hyne knew Squall didn’t think like others at times.

“You had a lover before?” He wondered lowly to not risk his voice shaking. Squall tried to look away, but Seifer wouldn’t let him. Squall nodded but whined just a little, like it was hurting him. A thrilling feeling wavered through Seifer. Was it excitement at getting an answer out of his tricky kitten? Or the beginning of the hot anger he already felt over someone hurting Squall? Seifer was forced to take a breath before he dared to speak again.

“Who?” That really distressed Squall. The small rocking moves returned as the quickened breathing. Seifer hushed and stroked a wet chin.

“Was it someone in the D-District Prison?” Squall stilled and held his eyes lower. The thought had come to Seifer many times. He’d only “taken care” of Squall’s interrogation a few hours, until Ultimecia thought it was to risky to keep him so close to his childhood friends. She had moved Squall to another location, he being the greatest threat and all. He knew it had taken days for the gang, with help from Rinoa and Irvine, to escape. It had almost taken them two weeks after that for them to find Squall.

“Yes.” Seifer blinked. He’d almost forgotten what he’d asked. Squall started to make sounds that were mixed whimpers and painful moans. He started to sob and quiver again and fell forward like he had no strength to sit up. Seifer caught him and hushed while stroking his shaking back.

“It’s okay, Squall. No one’s going to hurt you.” He tried but it didn’t seem like Squall was listening to him.

“I loved him but I love you too but it isn’t the same.” Squall sobbed like in pain.

“I don’t know what’s happening any more. It hurts…” He continued, trying but not succeeding in halting the sobs. Seifer continued to stroke Squall’s shaking back and tried to make his brain start spinning in the right direction. He could feel something very much like panic making his stomach a hard knot. What should he say? Should he say something? What was he supposed to do? He had wanted Squall to talk about whatever was disturbing him for so long but now… Now all Seifer felt was panic. What if he did something wrong? Said something wrong? Fortunately, Squall didn’t seem to notice Seifer’s little panic storm.

“He didn’t want to first, but I was bad. I was bad.” Squall whined and hiccupped before starting to rock again. Seifer stroked Squall’s hair when the youth went on repeat at that last words. Seifer tightened his embrace again and muffled Squall against his chest.

“Did he rape you?” he wondered, barely louder than a whisper.

“No!” Squall jerked away from him and shock his head violently. Seifer blinked down at him. The more blue than gray eyes was very large and something… wasn’t right with them. The pupils didn’t want to really focus.

“He stayed with me… in the dark. He didn’t leave me…” Something twisted hard in Seifer’s stomach and a sickening feeling dwelled up in him. Squall still held Seifer’s shirt with whitening knuckles but the rocking had stopped, it was just an easy swaying.

Grey-blue became distant, dead. Seifer shock the boy and Squall snapped his eyes to Seifer’s, they weren’t more living anyway. The pale deadness that settled in the eyes scared the shit out of him. What was this? Squall was never like this! He gently cupped Squall’s chin and met those eyes but it only sent shivers of fear down his spine.

“Hey. I’m here, right?” He whispered and Squall gave a faint nod.

“I’ll get you some help.” He explained and Squall again faintly nodded. Then he whined.

“’eifer.” He whined and snuggled closer like a scared child. But his body wasn’t trembling, his breathing wasn’t rapid but even.

“It’s okay.” Seifer said low and reached for the phone beside the bed. He couldn’t handle this alone. He had believed it was just something Squall needed to talk through but he was wrong. Sickly wrong. Something told him this wasn’t something like posttraumatic stress or some “raped-as-virgin-now-like-pain” case.

As he waited for someone to pick up down at the royal hospital in the palace they swayed together and Squall was very limp in his arms.

Continue ~ Reveiw