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Lovers Trust
Start of June 2005

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12

[Seifer]
It felt oddly good, laying in that narrow bed, Squall draped over his chest. He could pretend everything was as good as normal again. Until the sun turned the little room into a dry sauna.

Squall complained when he carefully lifted him off and lay him alone in the bed. The brunet only curled himself up in the covers and Seifer's trenchcoat and went back to sleep. Seifer smiled at that. His little kitten didn’t seem bothered by the warmth.

The house was silent, and warm. The bottom floor was only a touch cooler than the second. In the kitchen, a clock ticked in its loneliness, showing the world it was past lunchtime. Seifer furrowed his eyebrows. When had Raijin and Fuujin gone up for the morning? He wanted to remember that Raijin had been as lazy as Seifer was.

He found gysahl flakes with extra sugar in a cupboard and milk in the fridge. Not his favorite breakfast, but it had to do. Squall had never been one for coffee so he got milk for him instead. Seifer frowned. He didn’t really know what Squall liked to eat. He seemed to eat almost everything and nothing. Suddenly Shiva tingled in his head and he turned around.

Fuujin stood in the doorway, eyeing him. She held two bags with what looked like clothes in them. He tried smiling, but felt it was strained.

“Morning,” he greeted.

“Morning,” she answered and stepped into the kitchen, still eyeing him.

It unnerved him and he had to look away. Why did he feel so awkward and… guilty? He finished pouring up the milk in a glass that he placed on a tray.

“Something I can do?” he wondered lowly. He didn’t really met her eyes.

“Try the clothes on,” she answered, “Squall still sleeping?”

He nodded and poured up his coffee. Should he say something? Say sorry maybe? For what? He didn’t know for what, exactly, but it felt like he ought to say something. They hadn’t looked down at him for his choose of partner. Or turned him away when he came asking for help, like it was something ordinary. He was supposed to say something, right?

“You have changed.” Seifer jumped at that.

He had been so lost in his thoughts, he had forgotten about the silent woman. He looked at her and shrugged.

“Well, haven’t we all?” he replied and she eyed him in the way only she could.

It was a look that made you transparent. Like she, with her lonely eye, could see straight through your flesh and bones down to your soul. Seifer looked away again. Shiva suddenly tingled in his head again, seconds before a lonely call after him echoed down to them. They both looked up at the ceiling.

Fuujin returned her attention to the clothes and Seifer picked up the tray. He actually felt relief when he could sneak away up again. And there the guilt was again. He shoved it away and stepped into the guestroom. Squall was sitting up with the covers wrapped around him. He was worrying at his bottom lip and he had this big-eyed, worried expression.

“You hungry, love?” he asked.

But Squall kept looking at him and Seifer was worried he would explode in some kind of attack again. Slowly, Squall nodded and curled up more against the wall. He took the plate Seifer gave to him and he started eating when Seifer gave him the spoon. And he kept eating, even when he wrinkled his nose in distaste.

Seifer wanted to touch him again. To kiss that cute little wrinkled nose and ruffle the thick mane of brown hair. Or touch his milky white skin and stroke him into hardness. Doing stuff he never got to do before. Caressing, loving, explore with mouth, tongue and fingers. He sighed.

Guessed that had to wait. Not that he thought Squall wouldn’t be able to have sex or anything like that but… It didn’t feel right. And about how confused he had been yesterday… Maybe it had something to do with that very little intimate try? Suddenly Squall made a forced whining and Seifer blinked. The brunet had stopped eating and was swaying and breathing heavily through his nose.

“Squall? What is it?” he wondered softly.

The blue eyes were large and frightened. In a snap they focused at Seifer and for just a moment, Seifer could almost touch that damaged soul. Then Squall wailed loudly and he started to rock violently.

“No hurt. No hurt!” he wailed.

“Squall! Calm down,” Seifer begged and reached for him.

Squall screamed like a hurt animal and surged backwards, slamming his head hard into the wall. Seifer cursed under his breath as Squall fell forward, dazed. He caught the dazed and whimpering youth and crawled up into the bed with his burden. Squall didn’t struggle in his embrace. He lay there like a terrified child, letting Seifer rock him and stroke his hair and back.

“The demons being mean to you, huh?” he whispered.

Squall just whined and gripped Seifer’s shirt. He made strange choking noises and his body was all tense and rigid. Suddenly the door snapped open and both Seifer and Squall jumped. Fuujin’s gleaming eye widened slightly.

“Happened?” Even if she was back saying one-word sentences, her voice was low and soft.

Squall had almost stopped breathing at the intrusion. He gripped Seifer’s arm so hard, Seifer was sure he would get bruises. Those strangled noises had gotten louder.

“He…” Seifer started, but couldn’t continue.

Fuujin stood still in the doorway, one hand at the doorframe.

“Scream,” she said short and Seifer nodded.

Squall had started breathing again.

“He… gets these attacks. Like he is back in his past… to whatever happened,” Seifer said in a voice he himself didn’t recognize.

Fuujin’s stance softened somewhat. Slowly she stepped up to them and kneeled beside the bed. Carefully she stroked Squall’s hair. Squall didn’t seem to notice them anymore. At least he was back to the normal rocking, whining and unintelligible mumblings.

“Quistis said he was sick and could not make decisions for himself,” she told him silently.

Somehow Seifer wasn’t surprised that it had been Quistis that had contacted the duo. Fuujin retreated her hand and looked up at him.

“Will we need to bring sedatives?” she asked seriously.

Seifer wanted to snap an irritated “no”, but halted himself. Maybe it was better for Squall if he was sedated?

“Well… something small maybe,” he replied in a thin voice.

Fuujin nodded and slowly rose. Seifer was impressed with her way of so easily adjusting and accepting to Squall being sick. She did all the right things. Spoke low, moved slow. Seifer wished he had the same ability for adjustment.

“You have to test the clothes,” she said short and left them. Seifer sighed.

****

[Squall]
It was cold and dark and he could feel the tension in his Master. Not good. Tension meant anger, anger meant hurt. He whined in the trenchcoat on his Master. A hand was around his back and the tall man hushed him. He wanted to go back. Back to the warm place. They were at some sort of dock. Boats bobbed in the black water and Squall yet again whined to his Master.

He didn’t want to be there. This wasn’t familiar grounds. They stopped by a boat and his Master ushered him closer to the edge. The other man, a black and big man, stood at the boat and reached for him. Master ushered him on. No. Don’t want to! He wanted back. Scary! He whined as load as possible and sunk down to almost sitting. Master hissed and dragged him up again, holding him in a tight embrace.

“Squall, love. Come now. Just up on the boat, please?” Master murmured to him.

Squall shook his head. No. Don’t want too. Scary. He wanted to the warm place. Master made a frustrated noise in his throat and Squall cringed. He didn’t want to anger Master, but he didn’t want to go in the boat either.

“Change place,” Master ordered the other man.

His heart skipped up in his throat as Master left his side and jumped up in the boat. He wailed in fright as the cold night air swiped around his body and his Master seemed to go away. Left was only the big man.

“Master!” he wailed and almost started sobbing.

He would be good. He would go to wherever Master wanted him to, only if Master didn’t leave him. Strong arms circled his waist and for a moment he panicked and everything became a hazy, white light. Then he was in Master’s embrace with Master’s soft, reassuring words in his ears. Never again. He would never leave or disobey Master again. He tried saying that, but could only get whimpering, sobbing sounds out of his mouth.

[Seifer]
He had feared the trip down to the docks would be difficult. Just not to this extent. Squall had started calling him “Master” again. Seifer didn’t correct him to keep him from getting all distraught. He had to carry him down in the belly of the boat. For some reason, Raijin scared the shit out of him. Seifer guessed the man might resemble someone else.

The fishing boat had been remodeled a bit to be able to make more speed. Seifer was curious to why they had a boat that could shift shape between fishing boat and racer boat, but the curiosity had to wait.

Furthermost in the cabinet there was one bedroom with two beds, barely big enough to keep two bodies at the same time. Outside it was their dinner and living room, if now that was how you said it. Then there was a small hallway with a door to the toilet and the very small kitchen. After that was the stair up to deck. Behind the stair was the space for all fish and whatever machines they used to fishing.

He kept hushing the poor thing in his arms as they stepped in to the bedroom. They had given him a weak sedative earlier, even if Shiva had given him the coldest scolding in all times. Not even Quistis or Squall could have given him such a feeling of being a morbid insect. And, very much as Shiva had warned, Seifer thought it only made things worse.

When he put Squall on the bed and tried to disentangle himself, Squall yet again wailed and clutched hard to him. Seifer cursed under his breath as he just knew he had a new couple of bruises. To be sick, Squall was still damn strong when he wanted too.

“It’s alright, love. Calm down,” he hushed as softly as he could.

“Don’t leave! I’ll be good. I’ll love you!” Seifer clenched his teeth.

Those words gritted at his nerves and temper. Fuujin suddenly was in the doorway and Seifer looked up.

“Stay,” she said short and pointed at them.

She walked out and closed the door. The engine had started and they where moving. Seifer sighed. Well, he would only be in the way in the dark anyway.

Alone with his worried love, he made himself comfortable. He took of both their boots and jackets. By the time Seifer could settle down and try to sooth the brunet, Squall was near a hysterical break. As if he hadn’t had enough of those. Too many knew things, Seifer guessed.

Seifer put his back to the bed wall so he could scoop up Squall in his arms, if now the brunet wanted to calm down and let himself be cuddled. But Squall rocked beside him, moaning and muttering and occasionally reaching out a hand to touch Seifer. He tried waiting. Being calm himself may have calmed Squall.

But after several minutes with agitated sobs and rocking Seifer got to the conclusion that Squall wouldn’t calm down at his own. Seifer was really slow in his motion, thinking about how Fuujin moved, when he reached for the brunet. Squall flinched anyway, but when Seifer held his head in both hands, he became deathly still and silent. He hardly breathed.

He just sat there with Seifer holding him, glassy eyed. He waited for a punishment, Seifer realized. He waited for Seifer to hurt him for whatever fault he thought he had made. Seifer swallowed hard when sorrow and anger surged up in a hurting mix he barely controlled. Oh, they had done a wonderful job, fucking up Seifer’s lion.

“Squall? Look at me,” he softly said.

Squall looked up, but his eyes wasn’t seeing anything. His whole being was prepared for pain. Seifer had seen a similar face at Squall in the electric torture chamber. It hadn’t been as intensive or as well learned, but it had been there. His mind was somewhere else, trying to get as far away from his body as possible. Seifer gently shook him.

“Squall. Look. At. Me,” he demanded, still with a soft voice.

Very, very slowly the life returned to those glassy eyes. Squall fought hard to not return to his senses, so hard his face almost contorted. But soon those too blue eyes looked him straight in the eye. Big, scared and bright with unshed tears. Seifer exhaled and gathered his knotted inner.

“I am Seifer. Seifer. Not ’Master’,“ he explained slowly.

Squall first blinked unintelligibly at him. Then he sniffled and tried rocking again. The confusion, Seifer probably inserted in him by going against whatever he’d been forced to learn, made him distressed. But it also was the only way Seifer thus far knew how to get him back somewhat.

“I’m Seifer, remember?” he said again.

“Seifer,” Squall repeated and nodded.

He did only seem a slightly bit calmed. Seifer let him rock softly and stroked his hair and took one of his hands to stroke the pale back of it. Very slowly he seemed to ease the worried mind of the brunet.

Soon he had his back to the wall again, with Squall curled up against his side. He sighed heavily. At least they were on their way now. Ten days from there, hopefully, they would be in Shumi village. If they couldn’t help Squall, they may at least be able to shelter them. The calm atmosphere there would be better for Squall than any hospital or other village or city. Winhill might have worked.

: : Child is sleeping : :

He jumped so hard that he hit his head against the hard wall.

: : I told you to not fucking do that! : :

He roared at her, heart rate in 190. She snickered and he felt her moving around in there. He frowned when it felt like she stretched herself out of him.

: : Hey, what’s you doing? : :

He wondered warily, but she just purred and sort of sighed like a content mother.

: : Child is sleeping : :

She repeated and Seifer looked down at Squall. She sort of nodded her head.

: : So? Stop bothering me : :

He grumbled. He felt her shift her icy eyes to him and he shivered involuntarily.

: : You are too warm, Child of Ifrit, I do not approve of that : :

She said chilly and Seifer snorted.

: : I ain’t too keen on having you bitching around in my head either. And stop calling me child! : :

He growled but she just snickered.

: : Ifrit child, Ifrit child : :

She teased in a lower and lower voice until she disappeared to the back of his mind and lay still. Seifer cursed the icy bitch and looked down at the still sleeping Squall.

“I don’t get how you could stand having this bitch in your head all the fucking time,” he muttered, but Squall slept on.


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